Fecked in Ireland
Mairéad Whelan wrestles with the slippery question of Irish porn.

I Can't, I Can't aka Wedding Night was the first Irish porn movie. Okay, so it wasn't porn, but it did have nudity. And sex. And Irish characters (played by English people). So we banned it. Proper order. But Piers Haggard's 1969 stunner was quite sweet really. It was about a girl who, well, couldn't, mainly because she was having flashbacks to hearing her mammy roaring in the bed. Surely daddy was trying to murder her? So the poor girl never did it. Better off, really, her husband was played by Dennis Waterman.

It was an era when breastfeeding was for hippies, people told tall tales of naked boobies on Spanish beaches, and anyone who'd entered a European sauna was given whiskey for the trauma. We didn't get our bits out for anyone, and didn't understand why anyone else should either. We're not sexy, see. And there aren't enough of us. Porn isn't about someone your sister did a tefl course with, or the girl who works in your local takeaway, or any class of a cousin. And another thing, really, tell me, what self-respecting Irish cailín would risk her granny hearing she's her gúna off and is making labour noises on someone's telly? Not me. I'd have a wooden spoon across my arse before you could say ‘Ooh matron!'

Yet the myth existed. Internet boards discussed the possibility, the reality, the hope and the dream of the elusive Irish porn film, or Lepreporn. They trawled through the never-ending seedy corridors and laneways of the super-net with sex, and Irish sex on their minds. Note that these people were not looking for incredible erotic cinema, or even just sexy results. They were looking for comedy. And comedy they found.

Made In Connemara
There was Anneke does Ireland, where Anneke, our blonde-wigged heroine, gave herself erotic enemas (that's right, I'll say it again so you don't have to go backwards, erotic enemas, i.e. topless with pipe up bum) in scenic locations around Ireland – a farmer's cottage, the Shelbourne and Bunratty Castle. There was more comedy to be found in scenic Connemara. It had become the home of Roger Corman's b-movie studio, churning out low low-budget slasher, crasher, kung foo, goo, and science fiction for an American audience, many of which have a fair level of soft porn. And Made In Connemara soft porn means only one thing – Fair City lovelies in the nip! While his films are made but not usually set on our fair shores (more likely on a sexy spaceship, check out Spacejacked) they do feature actual Irish actresses getting their lady bits out for no reason whatsoever! Roger's missing a trick there; why not harness some of those pouting tg4 weathergirls? Gaelwhores, the movie! Now that I'd go see. (Actually that's a lie, but I would laugh at the trailer.)


The full article is printed in Film Ireland 120.