Three-in-a-Bed Shocker
Eamonn Gray asks three directors Paddy Breathnach, Lenny Abrahamson and Colm McCarthy all about shooting sex.

The average man thinks about sex every six seconds. The average woman thinks about sex every ten seconds. Baloney? Probably. Sixty-nine per cent of all statistics are wrong. Whatever. All we can say for sure is that we all think about sex. A lot. And the funny thing is, most of the time, we don’t even know we’re thinking about it. Why? Because if we were constantly aware of every little flaring synapse, we’d probably end up in a giant writhing ball – like that South Park episode, but with more chicks. And no one knows this better than those Freudian celluloid pimps: film and TV directors. They know you want it. Even if you don’t know – they know. But delivering the package – so to speak – can be a tricky business.

Breathnach, whose psychotropic slasher Shrooms has just been released, directed his first sex scene in his 1997 comedy crime caper I Went Down. ‘Well, I was as much a novice as the actors in a sense because I hadn’t done it before. You’re struggling, or you’re trying to be diplomatic about the language you use, but at the same time you need to get what you want. I remember at the time I got trapped in the vocabulary of horse-racing terminology and just thinking “What a fucking eejit am I?” saying things like: “You’re coming around the last bend, into the final furlong, in full gallop...” and these poor actors just looking at me...’

Award-winning director Lenny Abrahamson, however, was considerably more clinical in his textbook approach to directing a sex scene in Prosperity. ‘But what I would say, having done it only once myself really, is that what I learned was: don’t be squeamish. Don’t try and use euphemisms. You can’t say: “Now I want you to, you know, like, if you could...” you have to say things like: “When you enter her...” You have to swallow that horrible lump in your throat and tell the actors very candidly what you want, because that’s what they want. You can’t fluff around like some vicar at a tea party.’

Scottish director Colm McCarthy has been responsible for some of the steamiest scenes to hit our tv screens in recent years, most notably in Footballers’ Wives and The Tudors. He admits that one of the key aspects of these particular dramas is the beautification of the actors and the act itself. But that by no means makes his job any easier than those taking a more naturalistic approach. ‘They’re always awkward, but not as awkward as you might think. The thing about sex scenes is that you have to be considerate of the people you’re working with and know what you’re doing beforehand. Actors don’t mind being asked to do these things usually – I’ve only ever had one instance of an actor freaking out about a sex scene – but they want to be told what you want, which can be slightly embarrassing for a director.’

The full article is printed in Film Ireland 120.