The year is 2019. Somehow, in the space of 14 years, mankind has learnt how to clone fully grown humans, make trains and motorbikes that can fly and most importantly the top scientists of this Brave New World have perfected a lip gloss that doesn't wear off, even when helicopters are chasing Scarlett Johansson for hours across the scorching Arizona desert.

There's just so many things to dislike about this film: the pseudo-philosophical solipsistic nonsense that makes up the plot, the constant low angle, slow motion shots that just reek of a 50 Cent video, Sean Bean; and also, how is it that in a tightly monitored totalitarian society, Ewan McGregor can just get up in the middle of the night and escape without anyone noticing him on the innumerable CCTV cameras? It's hard to know where to begin with all of this.

At the outset of the movie, the preposterously named Lincoln Six-Echo (Ewan McGregor) is living in a vast subterranean complex that houses the survivors of a massive biological attack. He is troubled by suspicions that something is afoot, and starts snooping around the more shadowy parts of the underground city; lo-and-behold he discovers that everything he knows is just a giant front for a neat little organ-harvesting business. So he and Jordan Two-Delta (Scarlett Johansson) escape into the real world and attempt to expose the whole operation, all the while being chased by Laurent (Djimon Hounsou) and his crack team of ex-Marines, none of whom can aim a gun between them.

There are some saving graces to the proceedings; it is all brilliantly shot and edited, and the action sequences are quite well realised. Plus this could be the best unintentionally funny film since, well, Pearl Harbour. Perhaps one day in future (maybe around the year 2019), Michael Bay will be recognised as the satirical genius he is. Then again, maybe not.

Rated 12A (see IFCO website for details)
The Island is released on 12th August 2005.
The Island - Official website